Royal Rumble 1996 Review

Sunday, January 21st, 1996
Selland Arena
Fresno, California

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We get Sunny in a bathtub telling us that viewer discretion is advised. This leads into a solid intro video highlighting Bret Hart/Diesel, Razor Ramon/Goldust and the Royal Rumble. Vince McMahon then screams us into the arena and is joined by Mr. Perfect. 

Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson

Ahmed runs down to the ring and we're underway. Jarrett sneaks out of the ring and baits Ahmed back into the ring. It doesn't work long and Ahmed hip tosses him across the ring. Ahmed hits a few shoulder tackles and a leaping clothesline. I love Mr. Perfect but announcing is not his strength. Jarrett is able to get Ahmed to leap at him and he goes out of the ring and gets his hand stuck in the ropes. Jarrett is out after him and throws him into the steps. Ahmed starts doing his version of hulking up by no selling Jarrett's double ax handles and explodes with another clothesline. He hits a spinebuster and then hits a dive over the top, kind of. He seemed to have gotten the worst of it. He throws Jarrett in the ring and misses with a somersault off the top rope. I completely forgot that he did that. Jarrett slaps on the Figure Four and the crowd is willing Ahmed into reversing it. Jarrett goes for it again, but Ahmed kicks him out of the ring. Jarrett grabs his guitar and hits Ahmed with it off the top rope for the lame DQ ending. Ahmed chasing Jarrett up the entranceway and we see the replay of the guitar smash. I'm not really sure what the point of booking this match was, since they clearly didn't want either guy to lose here. The match was fine enough for what it was. 

Match Rating: *1/4

Todd Pettengill is backstage with Diesel. He's kind of already back to his usual too cool for school persona rather than the edgy character we were getting. He says that he has no problem with Undertaker, his problem was with him being named the #1 contender. 

WWF Tag Team Championship Match
Body Donnas vs. Smoking Gunns

We get a quickly paced opening with Billy and Skip leading the way. They do a fun spot where Skip and Zip try to pull the top rope to get Bart flipped into the ring. Bart lets go and then pulls both of them over the top and to the floor. We eventually get to a spot where Sunny gets up on the apron and Billy accidentally knocks her to the floor. Billy stops to check in on her and the Body Donnas attack with Sunny celebrating. Bart runs over to make a save but Skip hits a dive into Billy from the ring. The Donnas get a pretty lengthy heat segment until Bill and Bart are able to double team. From there they hit the Sidewinder but the referee is distracted by Sunny. This allows Zip to leap off the top and break up the pin attempt. We get a little bit of a messy finish with the Donnas trying to suplex Bart, but Billy knocks them away and Bart is able to hit an inside cradle for the victory. This was decent but more of a TV match. 

Match Rating: **1/4

Just what everyone wants on pay per view, a Billionaire Ted skit. This leads into a Goldust/Razor hype video narrated by Todd. 

Intercontinental Championship Match
Goldust vs. Razor Ramon

Goldust is out with the usher and the debut of Marlena. Vince is drooling over her. We get lots of stalling, sorry, I mean "mind games" to begin. Razor gets aggressive on the arm of Goldust and slaps the back of his head. Mr. Perfect says that if Razor loses the title here tonight, he'll be the sad guy. I didn't know that he brought the dad jokes here tonight. Goldust feels up the chest of Razor and Vince says that was something different. We are then reminded of how young the audience is when you hear a loud "Razor" chant made up of mostly younger kids. Goldust slaps Razor in the face and that prompts a drop toe hold and more slaps to the back of the head. He then slaps him in the butt and that gets Goldust excited. Razor chases after him and Goldust hides behind Marlena. We get some mat wrestling that is interrupted when Razor hits him with a right hand. Goldust blows a kiss at Razor, so Razor clotheslines him over the top rope. Goldust uses Marlena again and attacks Razor from behind. Goldust hits a double ax handle to the back of Razor off the top rope. Vince explains to us that when you throw your opponent's back into something that it hurts the back. I did not know that. Goldust hits a bulldog and then uses the top rope for some extra oomph on a back suplex for a 2 count. Marlena then blows some gold dust into the face of Razor. Goldust puts Razor in the sleeper. Razor gets back on his feet and corners the referee, which allows him to hit a low blow by kicking his leg back. Razor comes back with a chokeslam and gets a 2 count. Razor hits the fall away slam and that also gets a 2 count. This is actually a better match than I remembered. Razor crotches Goldust on the top rope and he hits the back suplex. Marlena is in the ring and acts as if she twisted her ankle. Razor signals for the Razor's Edge but in comes 1-2-3 Kid from the crowd and hits a spin kick from the top rope. Goldust covers him and is your new Intercontinental Champion. I mean, you had to know they weren't going to let Razor lose without some sort of cheap finish, but it seems odd that Goldust and Marlena came up with a plan with the Kid, but I guess in kayfabe all the heels get along. I had remembered hating this match and while this was far from anything special, it was a lot more entertaining than I recalled. 

Match Rating: **

We have finished 3 matches and we aren't even 55 minutes into the show. We hear from Shawn Michaels' doctor, Owen Hart, Jake Roberts, Jerry Lawler, Barry Horowitz, Vader (with Jim Cornette) and Shawn Michaels. That was kind of a weird mix of guys. Why would you have Vader and Jake here rather than their entrances do the talking? Perfect and Vince talk about Duke Droese being #30 after beating Hunter Hearst Helmsley in the Free For All, which means he is #1. They show a clip of him being disqualified for using a foreign object. 

Royal Rumble

Hunter is #1 of course and #2 is Henry Godwinn, unsurprisingly. A big thank you to the WWE for not paying for the rights for Godwinn's music and now we are forever tortured listening to this extremely loud, extremely generic banjo music instead. These two naturally go right at it and we are underway. They keep hyping up how this is the most exciting hour when in reality this match can be less than an hour, but who needs math? #3 is Bob Backlund just in case you needed a reminder of how stupid it is that they are making fun of WCW for how old their wrestlers are. #4 is Jerry Lawler. You know, more New Generation stars here. The heels team up and hold down Godwinn and Lawler grabs the slop bucket. Godwinn fights through it and gets the bucket. The heels go outside the ring, so Godwinn chucks it over the top rope and even gets some on the fans in the front row. Out at #5 is Bob Holly. Are they serious with this beginning? #6 is here and it is King Mabel. Who is going to be able to get him out of the ring? Out at #7 is that young up and comer making his return, Jake Roberts. Now with 100% more vest. He dumps his snake into the ring and everyone flees the ring. He puts it on top of Lawler and then thankfully he has him slide back into the bag with the help of the snake attendant. We get Mabel tied up in the ropes in the Andre spot. They do nothing with it so I'm not really sure what the point of that was? It's time for #8 and it's Dory Funk Jr., who looks 100 years old. Keep in mind that they just showed a video making fun of how old Hulk Hogan and Macho Man were. Dory is 54 years old here. Vince makes it very clear that Lawler has not been eliminated from this match. They find that Lawler is hiding under the ring and we get Yokozuna at #9. How are they going to get him over the top rope? Mr. Perfect questions where Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji are. Yoko dumps Backlund out and then goes after Mabel. Godwinn is behind Yokozuna and Mabel splashes both of them. Mabel hits a big splash on Godwinn and we count down to the 1-2-3 Kid at #10. He's being chased by Razor Ramon into the ring and all around the ring. The officials are able to calm Razor down but Razor is only playing, so he runs in gets his hands on him. Mabel attacks him and now this time Razor goes to the back. I could be wrong, but I believe this is the first time they have done a spot like that in the Rumble, so that's fun. Out at #11, it's the "wild man from Japan", Takao Omori. He comes out to absolutely no reaction prqobably because not a single person knows who he is. I just realized that Jake Roberts here is younger than I am in present day. Out at #12, it's Savio Vega. The crowd knows who he is and he also gets no reaction. He hits a spin kick on Mabel and that gets a reaction from the crowd. Yokozuna dumps Mabel out of the ring and that clears out some space in the ring. Lucky #13 is the man they call Vader. Now we have something to be excited about. Jim Cornette is at his side. He no sells a kick from Holly and starts nailing him with right hands. Talk about a disappointing way to enter the ring. How did they not him do a spot where he dumps 2 guys out? Instead, they have Savio Vega eliminate Funk. Did Art Donovan get in Vince's ear? He asks Perfect how much Vader weighs. #14 is Doug Gilbert and Perfect doesn't know who he is but is excited when Vince tells him. He talks about his history with his brother Eddie. Doug gets some terrible music and his entrance was something my cousins and I cracked up about since he looked like such a jobber. Vader gets rid of Jake for a mild reaction. Oh boy, at #15 it's one of the Squat Team members. Vader gets rid of the Squat Team guy and he's big, so the crowd kind of cares. At #16, it's the other Squat Team member. They meet in the entrance ramp and head to the ring together. Vader goes after both of them and clotheslines one of them over the top and Yokozuna eliminates the other ones. #17 is out and thankfully it's Owen Hart. Yoko and Vader work together to destroy Savio. At #18, it's Shawn Michaels. He naturally goes after Owen and now Vader and Yoko are going after each other. Shawn takes advantage and eliminates both of them. Vader comes back in and starts taking out his aggression on Shawn. Officials finally come out, but Vader dumps Shawn to the floor. They tell us that Shawn is still in the match. Meanwhile, apparently Hakushi is out now, so I guess he is #19. Gorilla Monsoon is in there now and he tells him to get out and Cornette tells him to listen. I love seeing Gorilla in there. #20 is Tatanka and he acts like anyone would care about him. Hakushi hits his cartwheel elbow on Owen. Those two deserved a proper feud. They show the replay of Michaels eliminating Vader and Yoko, which is honestly part of the reason I always laugh when they wonder how anyone will get any big guy out of the ring. Shawn can eliminated 1,000 pounds by himself. #21 is Aldo Montoya. You just can't have a Royal Rumble without Aldo. Perfect jokes that his jock is on the wrong part of his body and Vince just replies with a "I don't know about that". Triple H is in the Rick Martel spot here, as he's still in there. Shawn now leaves the ring and goes under the ring. He comes back and is dragging Lawler out by his legs. Lawler is hanging onto anything he can, but Shawn gets him back into the ring. It's time for #22 and it's Diesel. They surprisingly don't tease a breakup with him and Shawn, instead they trade a few shots. #23 is Kama and Vince tells us that the crowd is enjoying the Royal Rumble as he walks to the ring to no reaction. Why is Bob Holly still in this match? They have no storyline for him after this and I could be wrong, but don't think he's even on a pay per view the rest of the year. Maybe Survivor Series? At #24, it's the Ringmaster. He'll never pan out. For some reason, I really thought he would have a big impact on this match. I was wrong. Finally, Holly is eliminated by Ringmaster. What a way to make the crowd care about him. #25 is the heavy favorite, Barry Horowitz. Diesel just dumps over Hunter sort of out of nowhere. Out at #26 is someone who will definitely not make a difference in this match, Fatu. He hits a big kick on Kama and shoves him in the corner. There really has been a lack of action in a lot of this. I know I seem to feel that way about most of these Rumbles I have reviewed. They tease a suplex elimination spot with Owen and Shawn as we count down to #27 and that's Isaac Yankem. He sucks. Owen hits an enziguri and then somehow Owen is eliminated. #28 is Marty Jannetty, looking as dorky as ever. Marty and Shawn start battling and they both get knocked down. I appreciate the effort, but it felt rushed. #29 is British Bulldog to give us the follow up to last year's Rumble. They show Diana in the crowd and Bulldog eliminates Marty. Perfect realizes they missed Ringmaster get eliminated. Shawn and Bulldog are fighting outside the ring and in comes Owen illegally to attack Shawn. Shawn comes back in and dropkicks Yankem out of the ring. Sorry, I forgot to mention that Droese is #30, as we already knew. He gets eliminated really quickly and Shawn eliminates Bulldog. Kama almost gets Shawn out, but he skins the cat. Diesel eliminates Kama and as he turns around, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music to eliminate Diesel for the chaotic ending. After the match, Diesel takes out his anger on Bulldog and then is back in the ring with Shawn. The music is now off and Diesel adjusts his glove. He then puts his arm above his head and Shawn does the cheesy high five to prove they are still friends. The finish was never in doubt, as it was clear that Shawn was their guy at this point. The roster still was in bad shape here, especially with having guys like Ahmed Johnson and Razor Ramon in singles matches instead of the Rumble. The action never got too exciting outside of a few spots. 

Match Rating: **1/2

WWF Championship Match
Undertaker vs. Bret Hart

During Undertaker's entrance, Diesel is standing there waiting for him. Diesel shoves Paul Bearer out of the way and they start going at it. They are separated and Diesel is heard saying "I ain't afraid of the dark". Vince says that this is Bret's 43rd pay per view match. Even though I actually did like Undertaker at this point in time. I was 100% behind Bret here. Bret tries to brawl a bit but it quickly gets slowed down and we get dumpy rest holds by Taker. I mean I know they got a lot of time to work with here but I am shocked that Bret was good with Taker slowing down the match so much this early on. Bret makes a little comeback and knocks Taker over the top rope. He hits a dive over the top and starts hitting him with right hands. Taker is able to drive Bret's back right into the post and shift the momentum right back in his favor. Bret is able to toss Undertaker into the steel steps and Bret starts working on Taker's leg. Bret locks in the Figure Four in the middle of the ring. The crowd is clapping along but this match is a good example of why a face vs. face match isn't always the best idea. They like both guys too much here to really pick a favorite. Taker reverses it and Bret gets the ropes to break the hold. Bret continues to work on the leg and this one is really dragging. We go back outside the ring and Undertaker starts choking Bret with the microphone cable while Paul Bearer distracts the referee. This actually draws some loud booing from the crowd. Taker then throws Bret into the timekeeper table. Back in the ring, Bret is able to take out Taker's leg and now some of the crowd is booing that. Bret slams Taker's leg into the ring post and goes back to working on the leg. Bret hits a bulldog but then Taker pops right back up. Taker is moving around in this match like it is still 1991 Undertaker. Bret hits the second rope elbow and he gives the symbol for the Sharpshooter and that gets a lot of booing. He goes for the move but Taker grabs him by the throat. They go off the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Bret takes off the top turnbuckle and then removes the mask of Taker. Bret throws Taker's face into the exposed turnbuckle and the ref is good with it as people are booing. I'm sorry, but if you're cheering Taker over Bret, we probably aren't friends. Bret runs the ropes and leaps but Taker catches him and hits him with the Tombstone. Out comes Diesel and he pulls the referee out of the ring. One kid in the front row was so upset when he looked down the entrance aisle and saw Diesel. I love it. They announce that Bret has been disqualified. They booked themselves into a corner and you knew you were getting something like that. Diesel is then shown giving Taker the finger and heads to the back. Taker heads after him with a limp. They play Bret's music as he sells his injuries. Vince wonders if Bret would have been pinned while Perfect is 100% positive he would have. This was a huge disappointment and the crowd not firmly being behind a guy didn't do it any favors. They just worked at such a slow pace and it's a reminder that if Taker isn't working with a guy on his best day, he's not good enough to be considered an all time great. Sorry, just because you wrestled forever and had a bunch of matches where people carried you, it doesn't make you a great wrestler.

Match Rating: **

Now it's time for Royal Rumble Plus. We go to Todd Pettengill and Gorilla Monsoon. Gorilla announces that Bret Hart will defend his title against Diesel at In Your House. I'm not sure how in kayfabe that Undertaker wouldn't get another title shot since he would have won but what do I know? Dok is with Shawn Michaels and he says that he has completed phase one. We go back to Todd and Gorilla and in walks Undertaker. He says that it will be a cold day in Hell before Diesel wears the title. Gorilla says he doesn't want what happened tonight to happen again, so he's making it a cage match. Dok is with Diesel and he says that Bret is living and breathing because he allows it. We're getting dorky Diesel again here. We then go to Todd with Jim Cornette and Vader. Vader is slamming things into the lockers and Cornette is just yelling. Now we get a video package of highlights from tonight's show before going off the air. 

Any show that I ordered has some nostalgia for me. I have probably seen this show at least 10-15 times and definitely don't hate it, there just really isn't anything that stands out to make it unique. None of the matches are that great and that definitely hurts it. You would have thought that Taker and Bret could have had a classic with the time they were given, but for whatever reason, it just didn't click. 

Overall Rating: 41%