Royal Rumble 2023 Review

Saturday, January 28th, 2023
Alamodome
San Antonio, Texas

Follow me on Twitter: @WorkTheNetwork2

Pat McAfee is here and Corey Graves is irate. Maybe McAfee can complain about Dan Campbell not being on his show some more. I lean more on the side of Corey rather than Michael Cole's genuine joy. 

Men's Royal Rumble

Do you have to speak a certain way to be a ring announcer now? We're going to kick things off with #1 Gunther and #2 Sheamus. This one seems a little obvious, but I'm not complaining. Today is Sheamus's 45th birthday, which is kind of crazy. They brawl for a little bit, but we've got 90 second intervals, so this will go quickly. #3 is Miz for his 14th Royal Rumble. Miz distracts Sheamus before coming into the ring and almost eliminates him off the apron. This kind of feels like the Daniel Puder spot in the Rumble here for Miz. Out at #4, it's a New Day with Kofi Kingston. He goes up top and hits a crossbody off the top rope and a bunch of offense to knock everyone down. At #5 it's Johnny Gargano and I haven't seen him since he's been back. His reaction from the crowd was a little underwhelming, which is disappointing. Gargano holds him up on the apron for Sheamus's 10 Beats Of The Bodhran and Miz is now gone. At #6, it's Xavier Woods to get both New Day members in here. At #7, it's one of my favorites in Karrion Kross. No, I'm not serious. He gets his moment to take everyone out before a battle with Gunther. He gets him down and now Sheamus wants a turn. Chad Gable is out at #8. I still can't believe he's not higher up on the card, but it's WWE, so I guess I'm not surprised. Well, we're finishing off the UK trio with Drew McIntyre in at #9. He does us all a favor and eliminates Kross quickly. In 10th, it's Santos Escobar and he has kind of a weird start with Chad Gable. He hits a Michinoku Driver from the top rope on Gargano and it's treated like no big deal. Angelo Dawkins is in at #11 and the crowd seems to be dying out a little bit on the entrances. There really has been nothing of note in the match so far. Gunther is able to knock Woods off the apron to eliminate him. Kofi tries to push Gunther off, but he is unsuccessful. Gunther is able to knock Kofi out and he maybe was supposed to land on a chair, but it falls over. They are trying to claim his one leg is on the chair, but then Brock Lesnar is out at #12 and everyone is focused on that. We get Suplex City, but at least it works for this situation. He tosses out Escobar and then Dawkins. Gable is out next and then we get suplexes to Drew and Sheamus. Now we get a faceoff between Brock and Gunther as Bobby Lashley is out next. That kind of ruined the buzz of the Gunther/Brock moment. Lashley is in and he Spears Lesnar upon entering. Brock gets him up for the F5, but Lashley escapes and clotheslines him out of the match for the first surprise moment. Out at #14, it's Baron Corbin. Perfect timing for a guy that no one cares about. Meanwhile, Lesnar is throwing a temper tantrum. He attacks Corbin and hits a F5 before he enters the ring. At #15, it's one of the favorites in Seth Freakin Rollins. He tosses Corbin in the ring and hits a superkick before clotheslining him out of the ring. Otis is out at #16, who I kind of forget is still on the roster. #17 is 2006 Royal Rumble winner Rey Mysterio, but is not out. Seth Rollins gets a surprise elimination by randomly getting Lashley out. That felt oddly timed. We miss Pat Patterson. Still no Mysterio, but Dominik is out at #18. Sheamus and Drew are able to eliminate Otis when no one is paying attention. Dominik is still on the outside of the ring, before trying to pick his spot and it backfiring. #19 is Elias and it seems like a long time since he was really over. He smashes his guitar over the back of Gunther before getting hit with a Claymore Kick and Brogue Kick at the same time. He is eliminated right after and Cole informs us it was 39 seconds. Finn Balor is #20 to provide Dominik some help. Gargano is eliminated and then out comes our first surprise with Booker T at 21. He hits a Book End before doing the spinaroonie before getting eliminated by Gunther. Damian Priest is #22 and we have all three members of Judgment Day in the ring. They dominate and now it's Montez Ford at 23 and he's eliminated quickly by Judgment Day. Now at #24, it's Edge and hits a Spear on Balor and Priest. Dominik dropkicks him, but then eats a Spear as well. Edge eliminates both Balor and Priest before squaring off with Rollins. Dominik ruins it and attacks Edge. He tries to eliminate him, but Priest and Balor come in and pull Edge out. We have just Rollins, Dominik, Gunther, Sheamus and McIntyre before Austin Theory enters at 25. Meanwhie, Edge chases Judgment Day down the apron to keep the brawl going. Out comes Rhea Ripley and she attacks Edge. Beth Phoenix is now out to make the save and hits her with a Spear. Omos is #26 and he double clotheslines Sheamus and McIntyre. Omos then hits a chokeslam on Gunther as we countdown to Braun Strowman at 27. This feels a little late for these two big man. They immediately square off in the center of the ring and it leads to Braun clotheslining Omos over the top. Ricochet is our 28th competitor and he doesn't even really get a spotlight moment. Gunther is able to eliminate both McIntyre and Sheamus, using their friendship against each other. #29 is Logan Paul, so I guess he's back. Everyone surrounds him and attacks Paul. Paul hits a real nice somersault over the top rope into a clothesline. Strowman hits a big running powerslam on Paul and Ricochet hits him with a shooting star. #30 is of course Cody Rhodes, which feels like the wrong spot for him unless he isn't going to win. Cody is in and hits the Cody Cutter until Dominik comes in and hits two of the Three Amigos before Cody eliminates him. Ricochet and Paul have a huge collision off dueling springboards and that was the highlight of the match so far. Cody is able to eliminate Strowman, with Ricochet looking to kind of helping out. Theory gets rid of Ricochet and we are down to our final four. Seth hits a Stomp on Theory and Cody clotheslines him out. So we are down to Cody, Gunther and Seth. Cody and Seth both hit Pedigrees on Gunther as Gunther is now the "traditional" Royal Rumble survivor. Meanwhile, Cody and Seth continue their feud until Logan Paul reminds me that he's still in the match and throws Rollins out. That's on brand for him. So take back all of my final four and three comments. I definitely didn't type that. Cody hits a Crossrhodes on him and eliminates him. We're down to Cody and Gunther. For real this time. We get a lengthy battle before Cody hits the Cody Cutter. He goes to knock Gunther over, but he lands on the apron. He hits a Shattered Dreams on Gunther, but Gunther hits a big dropkick. We get another battle on the ropes, but again we have no elimination. Cody goes off the top rope, but he gets greeted with a chop on the way down. Cody hits Crossrhodes and then a clothesline over the top to win the Royal Rumble. I thought we would maybe get a feud starter for Cody here and let someone else win, but they went with the obvious #30 wins. The match itself was just pretty good for the most part. The first half was pretty ho hum and didn't really pick up until about the time Logan Paul got in there. 

Match Rating: ***

Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match
LA Knight vs. Bray Wyatt

This really is something, whatever it's going to be. I don't think I could possibly care any less about this match as I do. I actually don't mind Knight, but I haven't seen enough to have an investment in him. This is just a match under black light and Bray has some paint on. Visually it looks cool, but it's just a match. And Bray Wyatt is in it. We get kind of a weird setup that leads to LA Knight hitting a running clothesline off the barricade and through the table. LA Knight gets in a couple shots with a kendo stick, but Bray hits Sister Abigail and that's it. Let's just pretend they never re-signed Bray, okay?

Match Rating: 1/4*

After the match, Bray puts on a mask or something and goes after Knight again. They end up on towards the backstage and Bray puts on the Mandible Claw. Out comes Uncle Howdy and he dives off some platform and when he lands there is a big explosion with fire. This continues to be one of the worst things in company history. 

SmackDown Women's Championship Match
Alexa Bliss vs. Bianca Belair

The problem with having two Royal Rumble matches is that it just is a lot to take in for the live audience. There is no buzz in this match at all and while I don't know how good the build has been, I have to imagine it would be a lot more interesting had they not already sat through a 71 minute Royal Rumble match. They really have had no clue of what to do with Bliss since involving her in the Wyatt garbage. They are trying to highlight her aggression here, but Bianca shows off her power into a suplex. I'm too busy trying to forget the last match and figure out how I am going to stay up for another Royal Rumble plus a main event match. Bianca hits the KOD and that's all. That was treated with less care than a main event on SmackDown. They try to sell this as some big showing for Bliss, but it just wasn't because of the circumstances.

Match Rating: *1/2

Now we get more of the Wyatt crap with a video showing clips of all of it and asking if she feels in charge. 

Women's Royal Rumble

Rhea Ripley is #1 here and she is selling the Spear from Beth Phoenix on her way down to the ring. Liv Morgan is #2, so we have two of the favorites to start off. Ripley enjoys looking at the WrestleMania sign, so she has that going for her. #3 is Dana Brooke, who apparently has been in every women's Royal Rumble. No one remembers any of it. She comes in with a double missile dropkick to get into the ring. If this were 1990, kids at the lunch table would be speculating if there was a new Dana Brooke. #4 is Emma, who unfortunately doesn't do the Emma dance. Cole brings up how she was released from WWE right before the first Royal Rumble. #5 is Shayna Baszler and followed by Bayley at #6. Liv hits Bayley with Oblivion as soon as she hits the ring and almost eliminates her. #7 is B-Fab, whom I have never seen wrestle before. I'm not sure I can really count this either because Ripley tosses her out in 36 seconds. #8 is NXT Women's Champion Roxanne Perez. I have only heard good things. I look forward to watching her in my chronological NXT watch in about 10 years. Dakota Kai is in at #9 to help out her teammate, Bayley. It's 10:30 pm EST and we're on #10 with Iyo Sky. Dana Brooke is finally eliminated by Damage CTRL. They then go onto eliminate Perez as well just before Natalya comes out at 11. One of the most underrated female performers, Candice LeRae, is #12 here. Natalya tries to get revenge on Baszler, but she is able to keep her feet up. Damage CTRL comes and eliminates both of them. #13 is Zoey Stark from NXT. I am 100% impressed instantly here. Xia Li is out at #14 and she has a look that is new to me here. LeRae is the next to fall victim to Damage CTRL and now Becky Lynch is out at the halfway point. Damage CTRL greets her outside the ring and she makes quick work of them to get to Bayley in the ring. The action spills outside and they throw Becky over the announce table. #16 is Working The Network favorite, Tegan Nox. Her and Liv work together and Cole reminds us that they were at one time a "makeshift" tag team. Asuka is out at #17 and should add some credibility to the match now. Tegan gets eliminated by Asuka pretty quickly in a pretty uneventful elimination that tells me they don't think too much of her right now, which is a shame. Piper Niven is #18. I'm not a huge fan of McAfee as an announcer, but he deserves credit for putting over the talent tonight, particularly in this match. #19 is Tamina. How does she still work here? Her and Niven go after one another, but then Damage CTRL goes after Tamina. Becky is back in the ring now and hits a double DDT on Dakota and Sky. Our 20th entrant here is Chelsea Green. Let's see if this stint is the one that sticks for her. Well, she comes in and gets the Bushwhacker Luke treatment, eliminated by Rhea in women's record time. Dakota and Sky are both eliminated by Becky, but then Bayley eliminates her to big boos. Liv comes over and then eliminates Bayley and we have a brawl outside the ring. That's a bit of a surprise for them to go 2 for 1 on Becky and Bayley this early. #21 is Zelina Vega and is dressed as someone from Street Fighter 6, as WWE shows that they will literally do anything their sponsors want. Vega and Li have a battle out on apron and Vega is able to eliminate Li. #22 is Raquel Rodriguez and she gets the powerhouse entry. Michin is #23 and the announcers basically say she hasn't done anything since she came back. Oh boy, it's Lacey Evans at #24. Oh boy, it's Michelle McCool at #25. She's in the front row with her kids, which at least makes it a little bit better. She hits a Styles Clash and does the most babyface thing she can do, which is eliminate Tamina. Indi Hartwell is our 26th competitor and the announcers act as if she hasn't been around for years and they have never seen her. Sonya Deville is in at #27. Lacey puts Camel Clutch up on the second rope and then just dumps Zelina to the floor. Shotzi is #28 and out riding the tank. Nikki Cross is in at 29 and we still have a ring full of women ahead of our final competitor. Nia Jax's music hits before the countdown and it's a surprise that no one wanted. No thank you. Ripley hits a Rip Tide on her that looked like it had some authority on it. The entire ring comes and eliminates her. We have 11 people left in the ring, which is just way too excessive. Again, we miss Pat Patterson. Raquel is able to get rid of Lacey and then battles Asuka. She gets her on the apron along with Sonya. The fight it out and it leads to Sonya getting kicked to the head and eliminated. Raquel and Piper get their moments, with Piper being eliminated by Raquel and then Rea gets rid of Raquel. Nikki Cross is gone and we are down to Liv Morgan, Asuka and Rhea Ripley. I figured they would have snuck in Becky or Bayley in here too, but other than that, no surprises here. All three women end up on the apron and blue mist gets sprayed in Morgan's face and then Asuka is eliminated by Rhea. Morgan was able to hold on and she hits a Codebreaker. Rhea does a fantastic job of holding on and making it as close as possible and she dumps the blinded Morgan to the floor to win. So they went with the two popular picks here tonight. I think I liked this Rumble a little better with it flowing a little bit faster and smoother. What I don't like is that they went with the obvious 1 and 30 for the two winners. Couldn't Rhea have been 4 and Cody 26? 

Match Rating: ***1/4

Some guy named Hardy is here to perform and this is an all time dud of a song. Brutal.

Undisputed WWE Universal Championship Match
Kevin Owens vs. Roman Reigns

I am so glad that somehow Sami Zayn has gone from being this offbeat midcard heel to the best storyline since Daniel Bryan. My appreciation for him has been growing watching his NXT stuff and now watching the complete 180 of what we got there has really moved him into the upper echelon of my all time WWE list. It's kind of interesting to me that Roman still does the locked and loaded before hitting the Superman punch. That seems like something his character wouldn't do now. Owens is able to sidestep a Spear attempt and Reigns hits the ring post. Owens hits a superkick and follows it up with a Swanton, but Reigns kicks out at 2. Owens starts climbing again, but Reigns this time greets him with a right hand. Owens goes for a spinning springboard move, but slips and falls on top of Reigns. That's a bummer. Reigns recovers and hits a Spear for a 2 count. Owens stops the Spear attempt this time and goes for the Stunner. Reigns pushes Owens into the referee and then Owens hits the pop up powerbomb, but there is no referee to count. Reigns yells at Zayn to get a chair. Zayn argues is a little bit because he had told him he didn't want him doing anything. This little delay allows Owens hit the Stunner for a very close call. Reigns hits a Spear and Owens is able to kick out at the last second, giving the crowd a reason for applause. Give everyone involved in this thing credit because we're at the 4 hour mark of the show and the crowd is into this because the writing and performing has been excellent. Reigns does WWE's favorite spot with the Spear through the barricade. He then slams the back of Owens' head on the steel steps twice. Reigns hits the Spear and that is all and Zayn is relieved. Owens put up a good fight, but this was all about the drama. Those step shots looked brutal. The Bloodline is down after the match Roman doesn't allow for Sami to get his lei. The Usos then attack Owens as Reigns puts his arm around Zayn. Solo Sikoa then does the butt in the face with a chair over Owens' face. Owens is now handcuffed to the ropes as the attack continues. Zayn stops Roman from hitting with the chair, saying Owens is done. Roman then forces Zayn to grab the chair. Zayn teases hitting Reigns with the chair and Reigns accuses Zayn of crying. Reigns starts shoving him in the face and Zayn finally does it and hits Reigns in the back. The reaction for that was awesome. He apologizes to the Usos and they take him out. Sikoa hits the Samoan Spike on him and then the beatdown continues. Jey is standing back in the corner as the crowd chants his name. He rolls out of the ring and heads to the back. Roman takes out his anger on Zayn and starts beating him with the chair. This is getting some nuclear heat for Roman and he start tossing the flowers on Zayn one by one. WOW. That was fantastic. I don't even remember the match at this point, but it was pretty good. Everything after was just stellar though.

Match Rating: ***1/2

This is a hard show to rate. The two Rumble era is starting to run it's course for me. It's just too much. They just need to rotate or something. The two undercard matches were about as pointless as they could have possibly been. Then came the main event. The storytelling was just off the charts. We're talking Randy Savage/Elizabeth/Sheri at WrestleMania VII in terms of where we're at. The best part was that the crowd reacted to it better than you could have ever imagined. Just off the charts. With that being said, I would just watch that again and probably never really go back to re-watch anything else. 

Overall Rating: 70%